


when you smile (i know i can go on)

by theissueonthetable



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Study, Family Fluff, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hamilkids, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), Single Parent Aaron Burr, baby theo is a genius, help i'm crying in the coffee shop, i mean its sad bc grief and parent loss but i think it's pretty heartwarming!, i'm a sucker for guidance counselor!eliza and burrliza friendship, the comfort is aaron being worlds best dad, the hurt is theo sr dying and baby theo grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 17:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16560209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theissueonthetable/pseuds/theissueonthetable
Summary: Aaron knows that Theo is expressing her grief and if he has to dish out a few more dollars to the Bed, Bath, & Beyond employees who’ve become increasingly familiar with him and his nearly tri-weekly dishware purchase, then so be it. He’d go bankrupt if it meant that his daughter were able to go through the stages of grief as she needed to.Or, Aaron is there for his daughter as they grieve. Things are going uphill, at least for today.





	when you smile (i know i can go on)

**Author's Note:**

> hi, y'all! theo here. if you couldn't already tell, i wrote this while sobbing over aaron burr being the best dad ever and theodosia reprise - sara bareilles. like aaron, i refer to theodosia sr. as 'theodosia' and baby theodosia as 'theo' so that you can tell the difference. i hope you like it <3
> 
> here's the [tumblr post](https://nblafayette.tumblr.com/post/182529173606/when-you-smile-i-know-i-can-go-on-by)!

Theo is an undeniably bright child. She’s always excelled in school, far surpassing even her father’s expectations. Regardless of their busy schedules, her parents made time to teach her how to read and write by the age of three. In the kitchen now, as she sobs angrily, Burr can still see the passionate little girl who smiled so brightly when her mother threw roses at her as she bowed on a stage after her performance in the school play; the little girl that would relay in detail her wishes for a Mesozoic-era themed birthday party while they flew through the air on the swings at the park on a detour from their walk home; the little girl who practiced her oral presentation on Plato’s _Dialogues_ in front of her parents before presenting her book report to the class.

Grieving Theo contrasts starkly to the bubbly, studious Theo, and maybe someone who didn’t know Theo like the back of their hand couldn’t recognize the duality of the bereaving girl, but Aaron has no problem recognizing all of the little pieces that make up his daughter.

She curses explicitly and throws a plate to the floor, tears hitting the broken pieces that will surely leave a dent in the hardwood. Before she can throw herself and her fists down onto the ceramic shards, Aaron jumps to his feet with wide, fearful eyes and inhuman speed, faintly hearing his chair slam against the floor, and grabs her. He didn’t mean to be rough with her, but he had about two seconds to spare before she attacked herself with the sharp pieces.

Aaron has always been a patient man, some of his opponents might even say too patient. He waited years before he and Theodosia could marry, before they could hold hands in public and post pictures of their Niagara Falls honeymoon online. He waited out his years in service before pursuing his dream of becoming a lawyer, then a Senator. He mostly waits until he’s away from Theo to express his own grief. He reminds himself that if he can spend his life waiting out one thing before another, he can wait out Theo’s temper tantrums. He trusts that her behavior will pass and in the meantime, tries to provide her with healthier outlets for her anger.

So, Aaron will continue being a patient man. He knows that Theo is expressing her grief and if he has to dish out a few more dollars to the Bed, Bath, & Beyond employees who’ve become increasingly familiar with him and his nearly tri-weekly dishware purchase, then so be it. He’d go bankrupt if it meant that his daughter were able to go through the stages of grief as she needed to.

He hugs her tightly. At first, she fights against him, screams, “Let me go!” and thrashes her fists at him, but then settles into his arms, panting heavily. He presses his cheek to her hair and lets his tears flow into her curls. In the days following his wife’s death, he would cry as his daughter sat with her back facing him on her bed as he styled her hair, imagining the glorious mornings where sunlight spilled through the window as Theodosia would hold up clothes, asking her daughter which outfit she wanted to wear that day while Aaron decorated her braids with plastic beads.

Aaron carries into Theo into her bedroom, where they lay on her bed while Aaron reads _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ out loud while Theo falls asleep. Theo's tired herself out from overexerted crying, so she doesn't take long to close her eyes and yawn.

"Dad, we'd be able to see Thestrals," Theo notes, too worn out to raise her voice above a mumble. "That'd be exciting.”

Her observation hits Aaron hard and he has to act fast in order to halt himself from breaking down so shortly after Theo's panic attack. Aaron presses his lips together, shuts his watering eyes tight, and takes a deep breath in and out of his nose to stop himself from letting out an audible sob.

"Yeah... Yeah, we would, Theeb," he replies, voice strained and visibly on the verge of breaking as he tries to sound lighthearted and cheerful at the prospect that he and his daughter would be able to see invisible, winged horses apparent to only those who have witnessed death and experienced extraordinary grief. "You're right- it would be pretty exciting." 

 

 

The top three hardest things about grief for Aaron go like this:

1\. Telling his daughter that her mom has died.

Theodosia had been sick with stomach cancer for a long time and had resigned to her own bed after she became weary of hospital rooms. She knew she was going to die within the month and had done her best to prepare Aaron for it. His Theodosia, always wanting them to care for each other. It was so like her to instruct him on what to do after she died and scold him when he offered to resign his seat in the Senate to take care of her, to stifle the her cries from pain long enough for them to whisper words of love and gratitude to each other. A hospice nurse waited in the living room while Aaron laid beside Theodosia. When her chest stopped rising and falling rapidly and deeply beneath his hand and her fever started coming down from its peak, he took note of the time on the clock. Ten minutes later, he fainted while writing the the numbers on her death certificate. Theo was at school.

When Aaron came to his senses, he called Ms. Schuyler, Theo’s guidance counselor, to tell her that he’d be there to pick her up early. She didn’t ask questions, already being familiar with the Burrs’ situation. Ms. Schuyler- no, Eliza, as she urged Aaron and Theodosia to call her- stepped out of the office to give them time alone after coaching Aaron in the hallway. Theo sat on a plastic chair. Aaron knelt in front of her and put his hands on either of her shoulders.

“My dear Theodosia, how to say to you?” he began with a sad, watery smile. “Your mother… she died. She’s-” he stopped, sobs racking his body, “Gone.” It was so, so hard to keep eye contact with Theo and not break down on the floor, especially when she wore that sad, horrified look on her face.

2\. Keeping his daughter informed during the process and seeing the love of his life die.

While Theodosia was sick, she and Aaron would be as open as possible with Theo. They answered all of their child’s questions honestly. Aaron hoped that expecting her mother’s death and the transparency regarding the progress of Theodosia’s illness would make it a little easier on eleven year old Theo. It hadn’t. Aaron could only watch the moments where Theodosia had to tell their daughter that she was being hospitalized again, or getting sicker, or dying. Their Theo, their genius little Theo who had read Gibbon’s _Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_ when she was ten, had a hard time wrapping her head around the prognosis.

3\. Waking up without his wife.

Theodosia was a warm person, both in personality and in body temperature. Aaron was always freezing. In the summer, she’d take his hand and press his cold fingers against the back of her neck for some relief from the heavy heat. In the winter, Aaron would huddle close to her. One of his fondest memories included her wrapping her arms around him as they walked along the New York streets and stopping to kiss under some mistletoe hung around a streetlamp. They were walking home from a doctor’s appointment which confirmed Theodosia’s pregnancy, finding themselves lightheaded with elation, their giddiness leading to them smiling profusely and clink their teeth together throughout the kiss.

When he wakes up, Aaron stretches his arm out to Theodosia’s side of the bed. Once upon a time, she’d grab his hand and pull him closer to her for the few minutes that the alarm clock was on snooze. Now when he reaches out, his hand finds only cold sheets. His heart breaks every day. The worst mornings are when he wakes up after dreaming of her laugh, her bright eyes.

 

 

Seeing his daughter so sad, so angry hurts him almost as much as the passing of his wife- his beautiful, witty, intelligent wife and closest advisor. If he could place his feelings on a scale, one end being occupied by the memory of laying with Theodosia on her deathbed and the other end being occupied by hearing his little girl cry herself to sleep in the other room, the balance might be uncannily even.

Fridays were special, starting back in his days as a lawyer. Both Aaron and Theodosia worked from home that day, hers as a renowned freelance political analyst and his as a lawyer with his own practice. After walking their daughter to school and sending her off with a hug and a kiss on the forehead, they’d take a detour on the way home to their favorite cafe- the one he still passes when he walks home alone from Theodosia’s school- and spend the rest of the day sitting around their dining room. Throughout the day, she’d read her analyses out loud to him and he’d ask for her advice on a particularly challenging aspect of a case.

When he earned his Congressional position, he and Theodosia would still meet at the cafe on his lunch breaks. Although they’d have impromptu coffee dates throughout the week, they enforced the Friday tradition. She’d wink at him from behind her cup and point out the flaws in his plans and ideologies.

Even when Theodosia became too sick to leave the house, Aaron still brought her coffee on Fridays and sat by her side or at the foot of her bed while he reviewed cases. Sure, he might’ve been chastised by his official advisors when he took almost triple the amount of his allotted break time, but the entire federal government could burn (especially that goddamn Hamilton) if it meant that he saw his Theodosia smile as he handed her a copy of the latest statistics, newspapers, and a hazelnut latte with extra whipped cream.

Aaron looks to his right towards the staircase. He reflects on his daughter running down the stairs while he and Theodosia made breakfast together before walking their daughter to school. On the mornings that Theo seemed tired and sluggish, her mother would pile the fruit and freshly whipped cream extra high on the waffles.

“Your mother dedicated every day to you,” he mumbles as her kisses her forehead. At eleven years old, Theo is starting to get big to carry around the living room. Aaron sways back and forth and hums to her. “She changed my life. She made my life worthwhile.”

“I want my mom,” Theo cries desperately into his shoulder. He runs his hand up and down her back while she shakes with the force of her sobs.

School lets out at three o’clock, meaning that Aaron has to leave the house by 2:45 to pick Theo up. Nowadays, he’s so, so tired. With Family Leave in place for another two weeks and three young, bright, promising interns taking his place much of the time, he managed to get his work days down to Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. When he’s home alone, he sleeps all day. More often than not, he wakes up with a headache when his alarm goes off at 2:30. He’s always dehydrated from crying so often. At first, he found it hard to cry around Theo, but he learned that it’s necessary for kids to see their role models express emotion.

In short, Aaron has no idea what he’d be doing if it weren’t for Baby Theo. He’s sure his life would be taking a very different, very _bad_ turn if it weren’t for her.

Aaron and Theo both attend group therapy, albeit in separate rooms divided by age, on Thursday evenings. On Tuesdays, he calls Theo’s school counselor during his lunch break to check up on Theo’s behavior and academics. Eliza gives him tips on what to say to Theo and resources. She’s the one that referred him to the group, which her younger sister runs.

At first, Aaron felt like a dog with a tail between its legs going to the partner of _both_ of his political rivals for guidance, but Eliza proved to be nothing but kind-hearted and nonjudgmental. Of course, she’d always been courteous and gracious when her children and Theo met for play dates, but they’ve grown closer in the midst of… all of _this_. They’ve even grabbed lunch together a few times, including twice with Theodosia, when she was still able to leave the house. A strong, independently-minded woman, Eliza confided to Aaron that she takes her partners’ complaints with a grain of salt, especially when they talk about their opponents. She laughed as she told him stories of the headaches she dealt with on the rare occasion her partners disagreed with each other on something.

"Alex is usually the one who gets couched,” she giggled while Aaron and Theodosia laughed hysterically, “but I try to break it up evenly between them, lest Alex gets upset that he’s always the one to sleep in the living room. They make up before they fall asleep, anyway.”

The day after her panic attack in the kitchen, Aaron gets a call from the school that Theo got in a physical altercation with another student. He sighs and pinches his nose when the principal mentioned the attacked party to be Philip, immediately recognizing the name of one of Theo’s closest friends, and told her he’d be right over.

“I thought you two were friends,” he questions with a sympathetic look to his daughter.

“We were, until he fucked me over in basketball,” Theo spits, playing with a thread on her sweater. Aaron is compelled by the urge to correct Theo’s language, but inhales a deep, long breath instead. He read online that some grieving kids curse profusely, partly to express themselves and partly to receive attention.

“So you punched him?” Theo doesn’t respond. Aaron moves closer to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. She refuses to meet his gaze and sticks out her upper lip to keep her cool.

“Theo,” he says. Finally, she looks up at him with watery eyes. “Theo, I love you more than anything in the world. I know you’re hurting.”

She starts crying. “Daddy, I’m so sad,” she admits. She stands from her chair to sit in her father’s lap and cry into his shoulder. “I feel like I can’t go on.”

“Theodosia, look at me,” Aaron demands. Theo pulls her head away from his shoulder to look at him. Her nose is bright red and her eyes are puffy. “You are the smartest person I’ve met in my life, smarter than myself and even your mom combined. You’re as kind as even Ms. Eliza. You’re funny, and thoughtful, and you set your mind to everything you do. I know that this isn’t like you. Philip is your friend. He cares about you.”

Tears are flowing freely down Theo’s face. “I’m sorry, Dad,” she sobs. “Philip is my best friend. I was just- I was so _angry_ for a moment. I don’t know why I did that. I felt like I was out of control, just watching the situation unfold. It didn’t even feel real.”

“I know, Theo,” Aaron says gently and swipes his thumb over Theo’s wet cheeks. He’s come to understand the feeling of things not seeming real all too well in the past month. “Go apologize to your friend."

Theo stands, takes her father’s hand, leading him out of Eliza’s office and into a conference room where Philip, John Laurens, Eliza, the principal, and another staff member wait. The blue room is rather small and is decorated with a toy car patterned border at the corners, where each of the walls meet. The oval conference table takes up most of the space, forcing even the adults to sit in kid-size chairs. It’s rather funny to see the tall, hot-headed John Laurens hunched over in a miniature plastic chair. Aaron never thought that Philip looked much like his mother except for his hazel eyes, and now he sees that it’s because he’s a spitting image of Senator Laurens with their long curls and countless freckles spattered across their skin.

By the way Eliza is sitting away from Philip and John, Aaron supposes that she’s there as a counselor, not as a parent. Theo doesn’t bother to hide her tears when she charges towards Philip. The unfamiliar staff member who Aaron has never met stands, going to hold back Theo, thinking that she was going to attack Philip again. The staff member relaxes when Eliza holds up her hand, silently ordering the person to sit down.

“Philip, I’m so sorry,” she cries, holding onto Philip tightly. Philip’s eyes widen before he relaxes into the hug and wraps his arms around Theo.

“Theebee, my mom and dad told me that you’re really sad right now, so it’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again, alright?” Philip says softly. He pulls back from the hug to give Theo a kiss on the forehead.

“Never again,” Theo promises. “You’re my best friend.”

Philip smiles and pulls her into another hug. “You’re my best friend, too.”

Aaron and Eliza smile warmly at each other. “So cute!” she mouths to Aaron, pointing inconspicuously at the kids. He suppresses a laugh, then realizes that it’s the most he’s smiled in the past few weeks. After a short discussion, the principal informs the group that they’re obligated to suspend Theo for tomorrow and the rest of today. Eliza tells Aaron that the suspension isn’t being used to punish Theo, but that it’s meant to give her a break from school as she’s in crisis mode. She explains that a one-day suspension is a good idea because it means that Theo will return to school on Friday, giving her the chance to test the waters as she returns to the classroom and take the weekend to recuperate.

“Hey, Dad?” she says gently as they walk home together, swinging their interlocked hands.

“Yes, love?” he replies.

“I’m hungry,” she states plainly. Almost immediately after she says this, her stomach rumbles loudly and they both laugh. They discuss what Theo wants for lunch and decide on Mexican, finding a restaurant easily.

They sit across from each other in a booth. Instrumental mariachi music plays softly from the speakers overhead. The restaurant smells like cumin.

After Theo swallows her spoonful of rice and beans, she asks, kicking her legs back and forth below the table, “So, anything new going on at work? Any revolutionary legislations?”

Aaron gives her a synopsis of some discussion at work, knowing that Theo is mature enough to keep the information to herself. Things feel almost normal as his daughter joins him in his complaints about Secretary Hamilton’s latest whiskey tax, Theo noting that, “Raising the luxury tax on alcohol wouldn’t be a bad idea if he did it to promote revenue, but he’s really just doing it because he’s offended that some farmers don’t like him.”

They laugh when Aaron does an impression of the “kill me” look Vice President John Adams shoots Aaron’s way during Senate debates and the sympathetic nod of agreement that Aaron returns. He tells her about how the other day, as Hamilton and Jefferson were really going at it and no one was paying attention, Adams repeatedly banged his head against his desk. Theodosia took out her phone and showed her father funny pictures and video renditions- he thinks they’re called memes?- of the situation, which was caught on C-SPAN.

“Hamilton and Adams are fighting over nothing,” Theo says later in the conversation. “They believe in the same thing, yet they argue over it. I don’t understand. That’s like if you and I screamed at each other about tangerine, even though we both agree it’s the best flavor of Jarritos.” After saying this, she takes a sip of her soda.

Aaron laughs at the comparison and imagines how that argument would unfold.

“Oh, and Dad?” Theo starts.

“Yeah, Theeb?” Aaron replies, taking a bite of his burrito. He almost chokes on his food when he remembers Theo ordering their food in effortlessly fluent Spanish and asking the waitress for a “ _burr_ ito” and shooting her dad a wink.

The smile is wiped off of his face when she explains to him the fallacies in one of his planned proposals.

“Dad, why are you crying? Was my critique too harsh?” she asks, looking panicked, worried that she hurt her father’s feelings. He laughed through his tears.

“No, I just,” he starts and stops, not wanting break out in sobs in the middle of this Mexican restaurant. “Thank you for the critique. I’m crying because- because your mother would point out the flaws in my arguments, too.”

Theo slides off of her side of the both to sit next to her dad. “Oh, Theo,” Aaron sighs and wraps his arms around her. They have a long, hopefully productive, weekend ahead of them starting with grief therapy tomorrow night. Hell, long lives ahead of them without Theodosia. They have a new normal to establish, which they’ll build a strong foundation for. Together. Aaron breathes in, holds his breath, and exhales, trying to focus on the present. If nothing else, he has his daughter, his child who he loves more than anything in this life, beside him. Things are going uphill, at least for today.

“I’ll be here for you,” he promises and presses a kiss to the crown on her head, her afro tickling his face.

**Author's Note:**

> if you notice any spelling errors or have any critique, PLEASE let me know! i love feedback. my history/hamilton tumblr is nblafayette and i follow from stesichoros ;-). come scream with me about burr being the best of dads best of husbands. oh and if any of you guys are grieving, i've been Through It TM and i have a side blog about it: griefsuggestion.tumblr.com. 
> 
> a few things:
> 
> 1\. i kept quite a few things as historically accurate as a modern au could have. much of what elaborated on about theo being a genius is true. theodosia was a close advisor to burr and call him out when he was wrong about something. theodosia sr also had stomach cancer and burr offered to resign his seat in the senate to take care of her.
> 
> (fun fact: i will gladly scream about burr being a wonderful dad, husband, and feminist with you ANY DAY.)
> 
> 2\. a good bit of this is based off of my own experience with losing my dad, so kind of a vent fic? listening to dear theodosia and theodosia reprise makes me wish my dad were alive LOL but my mom has literally been the most wonderful person ever. she let me be angry and curse and stuff like that throughout the intial phases of grief and i’m so thankful for that.
> 
> 3\. i wanted to make a point when i had eliza tell aaron that theo is being suspended to give her a break from school. people tend to associate suspension with punishment, but for the most part, the purpose of suspension is to give a break from school and many schools give the suspended kid behavioral/mental health resources, like therapists and caseworkers.
> 
> 4\. i switched tenses purposely to go from past to present. if it was too confusing, _please_ let me know.
> 
> 5\. i didn't even notice the irony of having burr and theo get mexican food (historically, there was a Mexico Ordeal TM) and now i'm laughing.


End file.
